November 24, 2011 · 8:38 am

Day 5 – Blame It On Al-Baik

“Paranoia lingers and brings such unrest to the heart.”

10/26/11

It’s 7:50 am, I just made it back inside my room. That’s right, I’ve been out since 2:30 pm the day before, with only a 45 min power nap in the Haram. I feel fine though – apart from my feet, which currently need amputation. I just had *quite* an adventure. Some excitement, some exploration, some rude awakenings, some failures, & some successes. Yes, all that since I last wrote in the journal. So much to tell, I hope I can get all of it down…

As soon as I walk in to the room, my dad’s like, “Are you ok?? Everything alright? You should have told us you were going for so long…we have a tour in an hour, go take a shower.”

Uh…ok…

More adventures I suppose. That’s fine, pack it all in. Before I forget, the search for Al-Baik is the reason I did all this in the first place. I’ll have to start from when I left the room yesterday to really paint the whole picture of my recent adventures.

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Ok, managed to shower and freshen up, sitting on the bus now, waiting for this tour to start. Not really looking forward to it – apart from potentially seeing historically significant sites. This group is the only thing I don’t like about this trip – I can’t stand some of these people. Loud, self-righteous Punjabis just get under my skin like no one else can.

So, about yesterday, I left the room at 2:30 pm, went to the Haram & prayed ‘Asr on the roof. After ‘Asr, I went down & sat near Mount Safa to write in my journal & wrote until Maghrib. I ended up moving around until I was on Mount Safa during Maghrib. The imam, I think Shuraim, recited a verse about Safa too. Then, I headed out to get something to eat, but by the time I made it through the crowd and got outside, it was ‘Isha time. So, I prayed ‘Isha in the courtyard outside of the masjid, in front of the ‘Abd Al-’Aziz gate. I went after ‘Isha to Burger King, had a double whopper, ate with some Algerians and felt disgusting afterwards. I went around to find some water, or a big bottle to fill with Zam Zam. I went to this Super Food Mart & got all kinds of drinks (juice, water, soda). Took it back to the hotel & found everyone but my dad in the room, so I didn’t want to stay. I bounced after a few mins & headed back towards the Haram. Picked up a bottle of water on the way to try & clean out my system, I felt so gross.

I went to the roof and chilled for a while. I eventually left & started to head to the hotel, but got curious about this restaurant I kept hearing about, Al-Baik. Everyone said I HAD to go there, so I wanted to find it. I also wanted to see the other gates to the masjid, so I started walking its perimeter. I discovered the other gates…and went all the way around, to the outskirts in the North, still couldn’t find Al-Baik.

I continued walking around, when I was approached by a random man, just outside Marwa. He looked like any other devoted follower – big beard, head covered with the red-checkered garment, loose robe, warm smile. He came up to me and gave me salaams, with a big smile on his face. He grabbed my hand, gripped it with two hands & started asking me questions. I thought nothing of it & started to answer as best I could. He spoke only in Arabic though, didn’t understand my attempts to get through to him in English or Urdu, my usual backups when my sparse Arabic runs out. I understood enough to get that he asked my name, whether I was here for Hajj and where I was from. Then he asked, “kam auwlad?”, right after I had told him I was from America. I know “auwlad” is baby/child, I didn’t know what “kam” meant. I thought he wanted to know how old I was when I went to America, or how long I had been there. I didn’t know enough Arabic to tell him I was born there…and felt apprehensive about even giving him that information.

He started to insist. While holding my hand, he repeated the same question at least 30 times, very seriously. Why I stood there that long is beyond me. I didn’t want to be rude and pull my hand away and bounce, which is what I should have done. Instead, I tried to be respectful and answer him. To try to help me understand, he would mimic cradling a baby in his arms, and even “wah-wah’ed” like a child to show that he wanted to know how many kids I have. I started to get it…but…why do you care so much about how many kids I have? I started to get creeped out. Then he asks, “wife?”. I go, “No”. He frowns, “no wife?”, followed by an unnecessarily sad, pouty face. “Parents?” He asked if my parents were alive, here for Hajj, or back in America. I’m still staring at him, thinking, ok…why does he want to know all this? Then, I catch him looking up behind me, as if there was someone back there. I look back to see who was there. This felt really shady now. He plays it off, “Ahh, parents..here? Where?”, starts pointing to random spots and looking inquisitively at me. I ask him in English, “What do you want??” He was confused. I ask him again, and he had no idea how to respond. I pull my hand away, say salaam, turn my back and walk away. It only took me 10 minutes to break him off, real smooth.

At this point, I’m super paranoid. I mean…I’ve seen Taken, I know how kidnappings work. I’m thinking to myself, maybe this guy is a spotter, picking people out that look vulnerable – such as myself, a brown dude walking around in jeans & a bright green “Prince William Lacrosse” t-shirt, clearly standing out from the robed majority, all alone at 2 in the morning. So, I’m thinking, if he’s a spotter, there’s gotta be a tracker too, someone that’s going to follow me around until the time is right to babynap me. So I stop about 50 yards down, next to one of the doors of the masjid. I turn and start scanning the crowd to look for anyone suspicious, anyone noticing me. I stood for almost 10 minutes, but couldn’t find anything, there was just too much of a crowd, I couldn’t even see the guy that talked to me amongst the mass. I kept walking, but still felt paranoid.

So there I was, walking along the outer walls of the Masjid Al-Haram on my 2nd night in Mecca at 2:15am, convinced that someone was following me with ill intentions. I decided I needed to get away from the crowd, to somewhere more secluded to draw out anyone that was behind me and see what was going on. I walk across the courtyard to the As-Safwa towers shopping mall that loom over the Haram. The shops were all closed, but the buildings were still open. I duck inside. I get in, it’s dark, completely empty. I get on the escalator, directly in front of the entrance, and go to the second level. While I’m going up, I turn to watch the glass doors to look for anyone coming in behind me. When I’m almost at the top of the escalator, I see someone run inside. If there was anyone who was following me, this was him.

I get off the escalator and walk to the wall across from it. Leaning against the wall, sipping from my water bottle, I stare down the escalator to see who was coming up. I see a young African boy, maybe 14 or 15 years old, coming upstairs. He sees me standing there, looks surprised and quickly looks away, turns and goes up the next escalator to the third floor. Doesn’t look back at me. This would’ve been the perfect opportunity for me to find another exit and leave. Too bad I didn’t do that. I went after him. I rode the escalator up to see where he went. I got to the next floor and found him standing in the corner, talking to a group of Saudi police officers that were posted in the mall. I was assuming he was playing off going upstairs by looking like he was trying to talk to them. I stood across the lobby, watching. After a minute or so, the police start looking at me suspiciously and I realize how shady I must look now – posted up on the wall, carefully watching all of them. So I just turn to leave and I see the kid go up another escalator to the top floor. I head back out, through the same front entrance I came in from.

I would say that I still didn’t feel completely settled. Paranoia lingers and brings such unrest to the heart. It was close to 3:30 am now, and I didn’t want to risk leading anyone else that was potentially still watching me back to my hotel room. So, I went back into the masjid. SubhanAllah, I was able to find a spot on the ground floor, 30-40 yards from the Ka’aba. Tawaf was still going strong. I prayed some tahajjud, and made du’a, to feel at ease if I really was clear and safe now. After I finished, I felt a complete calm overcome me. Alhamdulillah. I stayed in that spot, until Fajr, at 5am. I prayed with the Ka’aba directly in front of me, Alhamdulillah. Thank you Rabb, for protecting me & not testing me with more than I can bear.

I left, intending to go back to my hotel to rest. Instead, I went exploring again. I was just captivated by the crowd. At 5:30am there were hundreds of thousands of people pouring out into the streets, in every direction. It’s a spectacular sight. There’s literally a sea of people continuously flowing over every path leading away from the masjid. I’m standing there, looking around, thinking – where is everyone going…?? So I pick a direction, and decide to see for myself. I  just start following the crowd. I ended up heading Southwest, which I thought would lead me towards my hotel. I figured, after I was done exploring I could just turn a corner and be near my room since our hotel was also South of the Haram. Didn’t quite work out that way. I got so mixed up in the streets that I ended up wandering for another hour just trying to figure it all out. I got lost in the real city. I had finally found Mecca. This was what I wanted to see here – real outdoor markets – not air-conditioned shopping malls – massive crowds, street food, the hustle & bustle. Though I was lost, I enjoyed every minute. I was exhausted though. I eventually gave up on trying to route myself to my hotel from where I had ended up and decided to head back to the Masjid, in the center of the city, and to go back to my hotel from there.

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I’m so drained. This tour showed all the places we will be going for Hajj – looks pretty serious. I’m hoping I can actually complete it iA.

I’m back in the hotel now, it’s 1:15pm. I’m going to try to finally get a little sleep. I can’t even concentrate enough to write more. Hopefully, I don’t forget what happened, so I can write everything in detail & not oversleep ‘Asr! Ok, yalla Hajji!

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November 24, 2011 · 7:53 am

Day 4 – My 2nd Home

“So maybe stability is the beginning of serenity. Remove the unknowns & find ease. Provide constants, standards, absolutes…and society will be at peace.”

10/25/11

The Ka’aba just makes me so overwhelmed sometimes. It’s 11:45 pm – for the past 20 mins probably, I’ve been standing here, staring at it. After I woke up, I moved from my spot and wandered back up to the rail to look at it again. It’s just so fascinating, especially from up here [on the roof]. This is a great time to be exactly where I am, Alhamdulillah. I haven’t gotten moved yet, so maybe I’m supposed to be here & enjoy it, this time :P
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When you look into the ground floor, you see two completely different phenomenons, simultaneously. The first, all the people there – walking, chanting, praying, struggling, moving – being together. The second, even greater than the first, is the stability of the Ka’aba in the center of it all – like a mountain in the middle of a turbulent sea, unmoved, unwavering, constant. I feel like this structure represents Allah’s role in this Universe. The Absolute, The Constant. Everything else is fluid, changing, fluctuating, temporal. He is the Source of Stability, and we, unstable, desperate beings, are drawn in – seeking to cling to His stability to find stability within. To find peace, tranquility, success.

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This place feels like home. Not home in the sense that I’m super comfortable, I can kick back & lounge anywhere I want & help myself to anything in the fridge – though, I do feel like I can rest anywhere & I have been getting my fill of Zam Zam at every opportunity. But, the feeling you get when you’re here is the feeling you should have when you’re home. Serene & peaceful. Allah, The Most Generous, has opened His Sacred House to us all & shown us the greatest hospitality by making our hearts the concern for care. Please repair our hearts ya Rabb. Help me to leave this life with a pure, sound heart & to live in this world with such a heart so I may benefit others.

My experience here last night, compared with tonight, is so vastly different. Last night was like a riot – everything bombarding me all at once, me diving right in, head first. I pushed through, trying to go all the way, not holding back & achieving what I strove for in some cases. But, I poured out everything in my heart. I saw the Ka’aba and I dumped out all my worries, hopes, dreams, wishes, desires, fears – everything I could think of. I poured it all out & now I feel at ease – like I’m ready to receive something new. Ya Rabb, fill my heart with something better – better for me, better for this world, better for the Hereafter. That’s one of the reasons I write as well, to clear the heart & mind. In my struggle to retain my experiences, my mind gets overwhelmed & stressed. Writing captures my heart & allows me to let go so that I can have new experiences & appreciate them fully. Ya Allah, help me to write well always – to convey ideas beautifully, to capture my heart’s words perfectly, and to inspire & move others with these words of truth & expression.
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LOL…ok, after I wrote that, I had nothing else to say. I’ve been staring off at random things for the past 5 mins. Maybe I can say more about last night:

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After I completed tawaf, I was trying to make my way back out, to do 2 rak’ahs behind the Maqam of Ibrahim [The place Abraham stood in prayer to Allah, facing the Ka’aba]. I managed to get to it, touch it & look inside – you can see the cemented footsteps. [I later learned this was actually a stone from Heaven, brought by the angel Gabriel, for Abraham to stand on while building the Ka’aba. His feet sank 4 inches into the stone, leaving behind clear imprints] I went further back, still on the ground floor, and prayed 2 rak’ahs, directly facing the Ka’aba, not more than 30 yards away from it. That was awesome. It’s such an elegant structure – stands very tall [43 ft] & is very tastefully decorated. I’d say the same for this whole masjid actually. It’s very tastefully ornamented & adorned, very elegantly designed.

So funny. I moved a little while ago, I was getting crowded at the rail. I moved back against the wall, where there was no one around. Maybe 20 mins go by, and now there’s a group of 5 men that just came & laid down around me – making me want to move again. Nothing is constant except The Constant. We are indeed transient & ever-shifting, as is our nature. Even the nature of our very hearts, which lead us, is to constantly change & flip. It’s a beautiful contrast, again, to The One, who will always be as He always was. He is The Reason, He is The Source, He is The Absolute. This universe would not function any other way. There would be confusion & conflict – not just the internal & societal discrepancies we perceive to be universal conflict, but actual catastrophes in the cosmos. Celestial unrest. There would be no stability in this Universe. La ilaha illallah (There is no god but Allah).

So maybe stability is the beginning of serenity. Remove the unknowns & find ease. Provide constants, standards, absolutes, relatively speaking, and society will be at peace. That’s a mission I can grasp, something real I can focus on, subhanAllah. Provide everyone with basic standards of living – remove those worries from their minds & hearts, let them find peace. Let them be guided to Allah’s fields & hopefully they will settle in its gardens.

Wow, time flies when you’re at peace & you’re being inspired. It’s 12:45 am. I should go sleep, I need to be here for Fajr in 5 hours. InshaAllah khair.

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November 23, 2011 · 7:33 am

Day 4 – Rooftop Bliss

“I had only one desire – to get lost…amongst the mass. To become nameless & faceless…let me be lost to them in hopes of being present with Him.”

10/25/11

That burger was not good. Too expensive too (28 riyals, normal sandwiches are 5 riyals). Totally don’t see myself eating fast food again, I feel disgusting. I bought a big bottle, I plan to drink all the water & then keep it full of ZamZam daily, iA.

BK

I’m on the top floor again, with an awesome view of the Ka’aba & everyone making tawaf. It’s night, almost 10pm, so the weather is nicer – warm, but easy to bear.

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I love how we’re all enamored by the crowd. I’m currently watching a man from Kyrgyzstan look completely blown as he’s looking at everyone making tawaf. The crowd itself is so profound. It’s a mass of people – you look at it and you don’t see faces or ethnicities or skin color – it’s just bodies. But when you actually look into it, you see individuals, you see faces, you hear languages – you realize they’re all real people. People are always real, as you know them – never a faceless mass. In reality, there never was such a thing. Everyone carries their customs & their baggage with them – I feel it’s important to stay mindful of that when interacting with them.

When I stepped out of the hotel, not too long ago, I had only one desire – to get lost. Not lost in a directional sense, but lost amongst the mass. To become nameless & faceless– in a place under the Supreme Care of Allah SWT. Let me be lost to them in hopes of being present with Him. I know Allah throws these little tests my way to keep me on my toes. For example, every time I sit down, I’m asked to move, or forced to move, just when I start to get comfortable. Almost without fail. Earlier, I had to move at least 3 times. Just now, I had to move again, someone pulled a wheelchair in front of me & just parked it. Don’t get comfortable? Keep it moving? Interesting.

Mmm…I’m getting tired…I wanna lay down on this top floor & rest, while I look out into the night sky & feel this cool breeze, with this hum of voices chattering in the background.

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That was even better than I’d imagined it would be. It was so comfortable & pleasant, I slept for like 45 mins. The squeegee train (workers with…squeegees, that wipe down the marble floors of the Masjid) is rolling through, so I couldn’t stay in my spot anymore. It’s quite a sight, really. I’m so impressed with how they keep this place so clean. The efficiency of it all is actually astounding – compared to how conditions are everywhere else I’ve seen. Well, no, by any standard, it’s impressive. They got that very right, mA.

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[I recorded this from my spot on the roof, but I didn’t realize until watching it now that the workers were wiping their hands on the Yemeni corner. The Prophet said that wiping hands in this spot removes sins. Employee benefits, subhanAllah]
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I felt so totally serene in my nap. Being on the roof at night is just so blissful, subhanAllah. Of my favoritest of places in the world, the roof of the haram is one of my favoritest spots at night – napping here is on the top of that list :)

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November 22, 2011 · 7:37 am

Day 4 – At Second Glance

“That’s what I’d like to see, for Mecca to become a marketplace of ideas & stories as much as it is a marketplace for jewels & cheap, Chinese prayer beads.”

10/25/11

I just prayed Maghrib on mount Safa. I think Shuraim led the prayer & he recited the verse about As-Safa in the 2nd rak’ah :). That was cool. During prayer time, it’s completely silent. Hundreds of thousands of people – everywhere you look – in the same position, reciting the same words, facing the same qibla. It’s awe-inspiring. It’s so much easier to cry in salah here. I teared up in the first rak’ah when he recited “Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un” (Surely, we belong to Him and surely, to Him is our return), but maybe that’s cuz that verse always gets me. Here, at least you just feel it so much more. When he says we all belong to Him, I believe it so much easier – how else would we have all gotten here? How else would we be altogether in this place, in this way, if we were not His slaves & property? So, if we are His property and we are to return to Him, then may our return to Him be as joyous & peaceful as our current union in this wonderful city. Ameen.

Mecca, specifically Masjid Al-Haram, just became my favorite place in this planet. Apparently Medina is even more tranquil than this?? That’s something I have to see. This place is special because it is So busy, just like NYC – but in a 3rd world country, & unified around a single theme – worship of The One. So much more than in NYC can you see every part of the world here, and completely, utterly unfiltered, in its most raw & true form. People make no attempts to hide who they are or be anything else – they are purely themselves, from wherever they’re from. And this place accepts them all, however they are. So beautiful. There’s also tons of Desi’s here – I don’t even need to speak Arabic, so many people, especially workers & shop keepers, speak Urdu. Even the Arabs speak Urdu, probably since so many of their workers do – like Spanish in America.

Speaking of which, for some reason my dad keeps speaking Spanish with the locals. He either speaks in English, or in Spanish. I have to keep reminding him that no one knows what the heck “gracias” means here. It’s kind of funny. He’ll be haggling with a cab driver and randomly bust out with an “Ok! Si, si, si!” and just get a blank stare. Of the many languages spoken here, Spanish, surprisingly, is not one of them – at least not as far as I can tell. I miss Latinos.

Another thing about prayer is, when the imam isn’t reciting, it’s silent. All you hear is birds chirping & people coughing – and ALOT of people be coughing. Everyone seems sick, it’s kind of gross b/c alot of them don’t cover their nose or mouth when they cough or sneeze. Makes me imagine that the Haram would be a great place to do educational outreach – it would reach samples of the entire world’s population.

Mecca could be so much more of a Mecca, to be honest. It’s surprisingly underwhelming. The masjid is the only part of the city that really seems to have it together. There should be institutions here that help to capitalize on the opportunity here – not just from a business perspective, but a Humanitarian perspective. That’s something to seriously consider. I don’t know if it’s something that isn’t being allowed, or is too expensive to manage here, but there’s great work that can come out of such an establishment. So many people come here, but they don’t really connect with each other. We connect with the Ka’aba, with Allah & with each other merely as bodies occupying spaces adjacent to us, not as brothers & sisters from regions throughout the world, facing struggles, hardships, pain, suffering – or even joys & successes – that can all be shared & leveraged.

That’s what I’d like to see, for Mecca to become a marketplace of ideas & stories as much as it is a marketplace for jewels & cheap, Chinese prayer beads.

Before I forget – I wanted to make mention of the look on the face of the Saudi guard watching over Hajr Al-Aswad. He looked overwhelmed, like he was holding back tears, while guarding the corner. Then, I imagined how powerful it must be, to stand where he stands, to look out at the magnitude of the place he’s in. To look into the fervent faces of pilgrims & zealous worshippers, to see them struggling so hard to get closer, to even simply brush their fingertips across the corner he is posted at. And it’s continuous. Never-ending. Perpetual. Until the end of this place. SubhanAllah.

I should eat right? It’s almost 7pm, I’ve been here for 4 hours – just writing & reflecting. All I’ve had today is ZamZam – and I haven’t really felt hungry. I had some KFC this morning before heading back to the hotel after Fajr – it wasn’t all that. Halal Popeye’s back home is better actually. I’m gonna go peep that Burger King tho, been fienin for it. More later iA, still need to talk about after tawaf & the rest of this morning iA.

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Reflecting on salah. I actually took so long to get out after maghrib that it came time for Isha. So, I prayed before leaving. I imagine the city full of people, stopping at the adhan, turning to the Ka’aba & devoting themselves in salah. The imam recites the revealed words of Allah out over loudspeakers, which resound through the streets, fill the air and are snatched down by the open, devoted hearts of the worshippers. No word goes un-seized.

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November 21, 2011 · 7:53 am

Day 4 – The Ka’aba

“How one man touched the hearts of so many people is….incomprehensive. It’s a feat only Allah could pull off. This is proof of the Almighty’s Truth.”

10/25/11

That didn’t work out so well. I definitely knocked out, so exhausted yesterday. So, before I get into describing yesterday – I need to state that I’m writing this while seated in the Masjid Al-Haram. If I look up from my page, I am in viewing distance of the Ka’aba. Surrounded by people – literally surrounded. There’s such a soft, cool breeze blowing around – there’s this hum of voices, not overpoweringly loud, but comfortably present in the background. Over it all, there is the sweet chirping of birds, darting & maneuvering through the air inside the masjid & outside, around the Sacred House. It’s bliss. There’s dhikr, there’s laughter, there’s joy, there’s peace here. Serenity. Yes, you can say it’s chaotic & busy, but it’s captivating. Something will catch your eye & I swear you’ll sit for 20 minutes staring w/o even realizing it. When you finally break free of the trance and move to walk away, you turn & see that 20 others were around you, entranced by the same sight. It’s universally magnificent.

I swear the Ka’aba is one of the most beautiful things I have ever laid eyes upon. It’s said there’s reward in just looking at the Ka’aba. When you’re here & you look upon it, no further justification is needed. It calms the heart, the sight of it is absolutely mesmerizing. Seeing waves of people slowly circling it is almost equally as captivating. There is such proof in the Glory of The One in this place. What’s incredible is how many people there are. Haha, I know that’s what everyone says. But, what’s amazing is how many people are devoted to the same thing. Completely devoted. Not passively, not minimally, not conveniently – completely devoted. How one man touched the hearts of so many people is….incomprehensive. It’s a feat only Allah could pull off. This is proof of the Almighty’s Truth. I’m sitting in a random spot & I’m next to people from Bangladesh, Afghanistan, Indonesia, West Africa, Turkey, North Africa – who knows what else. It’s spectacular, subhanAllah. What’s great is knowing that this feeling is shared by everyone here. Okay :) I think that does if for me in this place, let me try to recall last night now, iA.

We arrived at the hotel around 1:30am probably. Maybe 12:30 actually. I immediately decided I was going to do my ‘Umrah that night…

Man, I keep looking around & getting distracted. I had to get up and move somewhere else, it was getting too crowded where I was. I’ll just skip to the good parts. We walked to the Haram, about 10 mins from the hotel, very convenient & easy. We get there & decide to rendezvous at a police post near the ‘Abd Al-’Aziz door, South of the masjid, at the end of the night. Once we’d debriefed, our guide gave some quick pointers on what to do & we headed in. As we neared the masjid, I started getting nervous. I slowed & walked separate from the group, so I could collect my thoughts. I almost didn’t want to go, like I wasn’t ready, but I also couldn’t stop myself from pushing forward. We entered the mosque and I see the Ka’aba after a few steps. And, I froze. 2:03am, when I first laid eyes upon The Sacred House. I found the whole group lined up, hands raised, making du’a & I remembered the virtue of du’a when seeing the Ka’aba for the first time. So I prayed for two things first, as I was taught:

1 – Allahuma ja’alni mustajab ad-da’wah [O Allah, make me of those whose prayers are answered]

2 – O Allah, honor this Ka’aba & all those that look upon it.

The first, I’m told, was a du’a of Imam Abu Hanifa, when he first saw the Ka’aba – basically asking for all of his prayers to be answered – the wish for more wishes :). The second was from Imam Magid’s workshop. Once I had those two, I continued to make du’a for myself & others, & began to tear up. I was standing next to my mother, who was weeping.

We then moved down to begin our tawaf. My parents grabbed hold of me & wanted me to stay with them. After 1 round, we found that it wasn’t busy so I pulled away from them & went on my own, to try & get closer. I think I ended up doing 7 more – but each time I was able to touch the Ka’aba, Alhamdulillah :). I didn’t need to push, though I got pushed, stepped on, crushed, & coughed on. But, honestly, I didn’t care. It didn’t make the experience any less spectacular. The first time I touched the Ka’aba I began to cry & made du’a – or tried to make du’a. The whole event was very overwhelming & made it so difficult to remember anything. All I could think to do was ask for forgiveness & Jannah (Paradise), freedom from Hellfire, the best in this life & the next. It took a few rounds to actually settle my thoughts & to remember others & to pray for them.

So, I was able to touch the wall of the ka’aba, before the Yemeni corner. It was very easy, I was able to do it almost each time around. A few times, I touched the Yemeni corner – where it’s said that wiping the hands clears sins. I touched the corner & moved on.

I did not get to touch Hajr Al-Aswad [The Black Stone, brought down from Heaven by the angel Gabriel and given to Abraham to mount upon the Ka’aba]. I came pretty close, but not close enough. That was the most intense part. I was doing my best not to push anyone, I would only stand my ground against others trying to push me out of their way sometimes. Specifically, while trying to get to the stone, I would move in, hold my ground, & move in, & hold my ground, continuously, until I got closer. I ended up about 5 ft away, but there were so many people, crushing me, that I wouldn’t have been able to go any further w/o pushing. So I left it & moved on. By the way, I loved the proximity. I loved the fact that everyone is pressed together, musty, sweaty, pushing, a bit unruly – it shows the determination & heart of everyone there – shows their passion & persistence – shows their love & need for the Divine. I was honored to be a part of that.

Hajji's Swarm The Black Stone Corner

It’s crazy when you look at that picture to imagine that I actually made it through to the spots that I did. Allah is Generous :)

I was able to touch the door. Well, the ledge [Al-Multazam, where all prayers are accepted] & the door frame – I’m not tall enough to reach the actual door. I grabbed the ledge, and while hanging, I prayed for Allah to release me when I would be forgiven of All my sins…and I was still holding on. I was like, um…ok, so like, now would be good. Still holding on. So, I went ahead & made other du’as. Still holding on. I got nervous, like maybe Allah didn’t want to forgive me? So, I got more desperate, said “release me & forgive me!” and I slowly got pushed to the side…sort of loosened my own grip & waited for the right push to let myself go. Don’t know how successful that was, but Allah definitely has a sense of humor :).

The wall next to the door was also fairly easy to touch. This time, I grabbed it & lowered my head & pressed it to the wall. I wept and made du’a after du’a. My hand trembled, my face was hot w/tears & sweat, but I felt like I had all the time in the world, so I kept making du’a. I don’t even remember what I prayed for, but I know I said everything I wanted in my heart. I pray my du’as are accepted.

I continued around in tawaf a few more times – I think I did 8 rounds total, maybe more – I’m not really sure. I got so caught up at the time, I lost track. It was a beautiful experience. I wanted to live in that moment forever. The angels in the Heavens, making tawaf above the Ka’aba are blessed to be able to do that perpetually. It was also amazing to look up in the night sky, illuminated by the bright lamps of the Haram, and to see birds, flying all around the Ka’aba. They looked so free & beautiful. That is a blessed & envious existence. I made du’a that I could be so free in Jannah. I’m trying to recall if they ever crossed directly over the Ka’aba [they did] or sat on it, & I don’t think they did. Interesting. The birds are always singing here – very vocal, chirping away with their sweet songs as they help themselves to the skies & airways all throughout the Haram & inside the masjid – to be continued! Maghrib time, be back later!

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November 20, 2011 · 7:32 am

Day 3 – Mecca

“We seek to retreat to a place the Prophet used to retreat from. That’s how crazy our lives are? Or are we just not doing it right?”

10/24/11

It’s about submission. Tawaf is completely about submitting yourself to the Almighty & finding peace & bliss in that submission. Give yourself up to it & just go with the flow. Like a drop in the ocean, with the waves being controlled by The One.

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We finally arrived at Mecca. Still haven’t gotten off the bus though, it’s about 11:30pm. We first went to a Pilgrim Welcome Area – where we were given boxes of crackers & Zam Zam water & free CD’s – “Hajj gifts” for pilgrims. Alhamdulillah, it’s cool I guess, we’re all fienin for some real food though & it looks like it’ll be a while before we’ll be getting any.

We then went to the receiving office for “Pilgrims of Turkey, Europe, America, & Australia”. Maktab (office) #39, whatever that means.We’re sitting in the bus still, some kids came on & handed out more boxes of crackers & water, haha. They also handed each of us elastic wristbands with our maktab number handwritten along with some other Arabic writing. I think we’ll get to go to the hotel soon iA.

The landscape around Mecca has been interesting. It’s all desert & mountains. Everything looks so unnatural in its appearance – the buildings I mean – the architecture, crazy lighting, grandiose scale. I’ve never been to Vegas, but I can totally see this being like Vegas. All this flashy development in the middle of nowhere. It’s kind of sad, but that’s human nature I suppose. Even a mile away from the Haram, people feel the need for worldly distractions & attractions – carnivals, restaurants with jungle themes, things made to look like they belong in other parts of the world. A place like this should focus on the attraction it has, rather than bring into it things it doesn’t have. That’s the real way to honor the Haram – preserve it, keep it as a place of worship.

The clock tower is enormous. I saw it from at least 10 miles out. Driving up to it feels just like approaching the Empire State Building. The “downtown” area, where the Haram is, is poppin. very alive & grand. Just driving through briefly has been cool. It’s just past midnight & we’re pulling up to our hotel now. Khair iA, let’s see what happens next.

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Chillin in the hotel lobby. Holding this cell phone my parents bought, with a TV blaring behind me & a guy on his iMac in front of me & I’m wondering how much of a retreat this will really be. It’s funny though, that we seek to retreat to a place the Prophet used to retreat from. That’s how crazy our lives are? Or are we just not doing it right? One thing came to mind, from Tariq Ramadan’s book, “In the Footsteps of the Prophet”, his emphasis on how connecting with Nature is critical in the advancement of Faith. We don’t need to retreat to a city, we have nature around us where we live – the Prophet used to retreat outside of the city. I’d like to start doing the same. Maybe one weekend a month, head out into some mountains or woods or something.

I saw signs for Ta’if & it reminded me of the history behind that place during the Year of Sadness. I kind of want to see it. I want to do a tour actually, of significant places from the Seerah (Life of the Prophet).

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Just completed ‘Umrah. It’s 7am, I’m finally getting to bed. I am exhausted – physically, mentally, even emotionally. Tonight was epic. I started writing a journal to capture times like what just transpired. I’m so overwhelmingly tired though that I don’t feel like writing anything – but I also don’t want to risk forgetting anything. I’ll try my best to get it all down before I pass out….zZzZz….

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November 20, 2011 · 7:29 am

Day 3 – Blank Scars

“The simplest thing will take hours for no apparent reason. THAT is your Hajj, that is your teacher.”

10/24/11

It’s 8:30pm, we’re on the bus now finally, waiting to ride to Mecca. We’re going to go straight to the hotel & eat, rest & I’ll probably head to the Haram (the Sacred Place) to do my ‘Umrah (ritual of visiting the Sacred Place).It’s funny, Hajj is supposed to be a journey that teaches you patience. We often assume we have the chance to learn patience later, as things try us throughout the journey. We haven’t even gotten to the Haram yet & we’ve had to show so much patience. You never know where it’ll come from – the simplest thing will take hours for no apparent reason. THAT is your Hajj, that is your teacher. So far, I think I’ve been keeping up alright, iA I am actually considered patient by Allah & I can successfully endure what else we face.
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The waiting game is real. We’ve been playing since we got here, round after round, subhanAllah. It’s 9pm – still on the bus, waiting to leave, the driver finally got here. Now we’re just staring, hoping to pull out any second!
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Sitting here, I looked down at my hands & saw this scar on my thumb & felt like it was so distant & foreign. I sat there, staring as I forced my way through my mind to recall the accident I had, sawing wood to build a float for a Homecoming Parade in high school, almost 11 years ago. It’s like I’m in a whole different world & everything before I got here is but a vague memory I can barely recall. This has become my reality, I almost don’t remember any life before this morning, before this plane ride. I was born when I put on this cloth – who was I before this? Was I before this? All seem completely valid questions right now. I am, or appear to be, a pilgrim, a Hajji, that is how I am called by others. That has become my identity. I have completely lost all other notions of my self. This is not an exaggeration, this is not me dramatizing my state. This is real. I try to remember others, my loved ones, & I can see their faces, but I feel nothing. All I feel is this yearning to reach my destination. I am coming! O My Lord, I am coming! Please accept me! Labbayk Allahuma Labbayk is all I know in my heart right now. Alas, we embark for Mecca, just after 9pm.

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I imagine tawaf gives the ultimate Axé. The concept from Capoeira is so captivating & intoxicating, I’m eager to see if this feeling will compare. Maybe the act of tawaf is the ultimate Roda. Maybe it is part of The Divine’s decree for His creation, for them to be so engrossed & lost in His Orbit. This is such an interesting topic that I have to contemplate further.

Axé (ah-shay) is a term used by the Brazilian martial arts form of Capoeira to describe a feeling of intensity that emerges from within, in the midst of a Roda (ho-da), or demonstration circle. It is the free flow of energy from the members of the circle to the fighters – a dizzying concoction of adrenaline, excitement, fear, ambition, and raw passion. Everyone in the circle claps and sings ancient songs that tell the history of their people and their beautiful art-form. Meanwhile, the fighters throw powerful movements, one after another, at each other – with an aim not to injure, but to flow seamlessly. The most beautiful Capoeira will have little if any physical contact, with fighters constantly moving through the space within the Roda, nearly crippling one another but never actually striking a blow. You could get seriously injured in any second, with fervent voices at your back, thrusting you forward. There is the excitement of overcoming yourself, while finding complete harmony with others at the same time. That rush is Axé.

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November 19, 2011 · 8:30 am

Day 3 – First Impressions

“No one makes mention, everyone looks away, continuing to chant remembrances of their Lord, The Most High.”

10/24/11

It’s interesting, so far, the overwhelming majority of the people I’ve seen (pilgrims), have been old. Not many young pilgrims, which is unfortunate. It has the capacity to be such a profound & impacting experience, one that’s touched the lives of trillions, and the majority of those that partake in it are those who don’t have much energy & life left in them to make a difference with the newfound experiences they pick up. We should do something about that – pay/subsidize for more young people to perform Hajj.
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I also saw a delegation of Algerian pilgrims. It was so funny – each one had a different Dahman characteristic (my Algerian roommate in college). One wore his shoes the same way – with the back folded in, another had his body hair (tmi?), another had his beard style/afro & his body type. So Algerian :)

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So we finally got our passports back – 6:30pm. It’s been long for no reason, but relaxing. Been people-watching hardcore. The local Saudi’s that walk around in thobes & headgear act like they run the show. What’s funny is that they probably do run the show – I can’t take them seriously though, I know the outfits are supposed to be their equivalent of a suit – but, c’mon, really? It’s just not the same. It has it’s own elegance to it, I agree, but nothing is quite as boss as a pimp 3-piece suit.

There’s also a very identifiable attitude amongst the Saudi’s. They’re the ish maximus here, they know it. I remember Saudi’s at VCU would act the same way, except no one gave a dang over there. Here… people actually hafta pay attention. That sucks!

There’s sometimes a noticeable tension between the workers, who seem to be primarily immigrants, and their Saudi managers. Like they don’t respect them, but fear them b/c of their status & still act out sometimes, passive aggressively.

I actually saw an altercation between two Desi (Indian/Pakistani/Bengali) janitors. They argued, the first man broke a broomstick, the second broke the stick to the dustpan the first man was holding. A Saudi came by and, though they were upset, they restrained from saying anything to him. They only continued to argue & exchange heated words amongst themselves after the first man was seemingly told to leave by the Saudi. He was escorted away by a Saudi police officer. I don’t know. Seemed like they fought cuz one guy used the other’s broom? So, he got annoyed & broke that same broom, then the other guy broke his dustpan. Then, the 1st got mad & yelled at the 2nd for getting him in trouble. Seems like there is that seedy, cutthroat, backstabbing vibe in the underbelly of this machine.

Even when first landing at the airport, while shuttling to the terminal, you can literally see pockets of workers, dozens at a time, resting in covered entrances around the building – battered, exhausted, visibly drained, while kept mostly invisible. It’s something powerful to see, as you roll up in your fresh white sheets, ready to go. Suspicions creep into your mind of the injustices that may exist, under covers that no one dares to lift. No one makes mention, everyone looks away, continuing to chant remembrances of their Lord, The Most High.

So, it’s incredible to compare the disparities that are present, just in the airport. We’re all immigrants to this land. Some as pilgrims, searching for the salvation of our souls & success for the Hereafter. Others, as migrant workers, searching for a means of earning to better support themselves &/or families back home – in search of worldly success. The workers look beaten & worn, the pilgrims look excited but drained. I suppose the desert takes its toll on all, may Allah bring us all the best of successes in this life & in the Hereafter.

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November 19, 2011 · 8:22 am

Day 3 – These Sands

“This place has a history. These sands have a legacy. We may contribute to it, but never can we be privileged enough to define it in a way more magnificent than what has already been done.”

10/24/11

Wow. Ok. So we’re here, it’s been a bit hectic. Mostly, cuz I wasn’t mindful of the fact that this is a straight 3rd world country. We got out of the airplane in Jeddah & just got hit right smack in the face by the thick desert heat. I actually didn’t mind it. To be honest, I’m enjoying the weather. Sure, myself & everyone else is gross, sweaty and sticky but it’s all love homie, we in the birth land of the Rasul!

A bunch of bureaucratic drama has been taking place at the airport. Something to do with having to pay to get our passports. I dunno, I’m chillin, waitin for it to all clear out. We’ve been at the airport for about…5 hours maybe? We have our bags & everything, just waiting until one office delivers our passports to another office 4 kiosks away, so we can pay them, pick up our passports & leave. Inefficient much? Totally. I guess that’s how bureaucracies go, especially in kingdoms.

This place reminds me a great deal of Pakistan, the way things are painted with tacky colors, the dry heat, the laid back attitudes of the people that work here. People just not on that America level :P

SubhanAllah though, I prayed Dhuhr & ‘Asr in the musallah at the airport, and it was such an amazing feeling. Something about praying in ihram, under the desert sun, with a cool breeze, in the land where the Nabi received revelation is profoundly powerful. I really felt baraka that was special, a connection that was greater than what I’m used to. Labbayk Allahuma Labbayk (I am responding to Your Call, O Allah, I am responding to Your Call).

People-watching here is so great too. With the locals, it’s like they prolly think they’re the ish cuz they work in Saudi. Then again…they kind of are the ish…cuz they work in Saudi. Even if they are just bag handlers at the airport, there’s something very special & majestic about this place. When you look out into the desert horizon, and all you see is a flat line off in the distance & a brown, dusty tint to the air that hangs above it, you feel the magnitude of being a in a place so much bigger than yourself – so much more significant than what’s made it important by your meager existence in these few days.

This place has a history. These sands have a legacy. We may contribute to it, but never can we be privileged enough to define it in a way more magnificent than what has already been done. We seek, instead, to merely be a part of this magnitude. To be lost in these deserts, under this never-ending sky, breathing air that encompasses every imaginable creature with its density & grace. We seek to be lost together, in circumambulation, moving with the crowd like a sea crashing rhythmically against the coast, no single drop free to move on its own. Go with the flow. Move with the current. Take off your shoes & swim good. Lose yourself in these rituals & connect with The One that brought you here. Find Him. He has brought you for that purpose. Seek out His Majesty & Glory. That is why you are here. That is how you will be transformed. Find Him. And remember what you have found. Carry it with you & share it with others. Lather, rinse, repeat. Others will follow in the same footsteps, you may return again & even join them. But, no journey can match the first invitation. Get the most out of this trip. You will never have the opportunity to go to Mecca for the first time ever again, for the rest of eternity. Ya Rab, please bless me to find what is best for me to find here. Guide me to what is best for me, here & Hereafter. Thank you for your invitation. I happily accept! Labbayk Allahuma Labbayk!

In other news, vaseline between the thighs? Genius! Muhammad Al-Shareef comin through all the way on that HajjCoach. Chafe free is how I be (iA) alllll dayyyy!

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November 18, 2011 · 7:44 am

Day 2 – Two Sheets

“I donned my funeral shroud…I mean ihram.” 

10/23/11

I donned my funeral shroud…I mean ihram. Such a different feeling. Oddly refreshing & invigorating, while nerve-wracking & kind of scary at the same time. Probably b/c this is the first time I’ve ever been in the state of ihram. I’m trying to be super apprehensive about how I do everything now. See, I’m used to fasting, knowing what to avoid in that state & how to maneuver that – ihram is entirely foreign though. Hopefully, I won’t make any mistakes & have to pay a penalty or end up leaving the state of ihram.

On a side note, these uncles talked all night long. My mom & I got no sleep. I’m so tired – I’m concerned I’ll end up spending valuable ibadah (worship) time having to catch up on sleep now. There’s still more transit time til we get to Mecca though, maybe I can still catch some shuteye. We’re actually going to be flying into Medina first, then Jeddah. Our group is opting to wait til Medina before changing into their ihram. I decided that would be too hectic & just did it early – every single dude on the plane trying to change into their two sheets all at once, with only 4 bathrooms, that’s a problem. Most people on the plane started it after Fajr – which, by the way, came super early! We jumped so many time zones, I suppose that’s why. I’ve never actually done this, where I prayed on a plane, according to the prayer time for the area we’re flying over. It’s been so long since I’ve been on a trip overseas – last time I went, I didn’t care so much about praying. Alhamdulillah. Going to try sleeping a little iA. A lot more traveling still ahead.

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