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Day 16 – A Night In Muzdalifah

“With Allah’s Help, I think I’ve been protected. That’s what I’m telling myself to keep the paranoia away.”

11/6/11Hajj, Day 3

It’s Eid! Hajji’s don’t really do nothin with it though. We have more rituals to complete today, it’s not over yet.

We spent the night, last night, in Muzdalifah. It was out in the open, on a paved lot, under the street lights. It basically felt like being around millions, trying to sleep on a dusty Wal-Mart parking lot, with buses zooming past all night. I was out cold with some earplugs, a breathing mask and an eye shade. People around me were loud though, seemed like they talked all night. I kept waking up, didn’t sleep well at all. I also had a really freaky dream – I think some jinn was trying to mess with me, honestly.

I dreamt that I felt someone touch my lips, as I was laying in my place, asleep. They put their fingertips on my lips and then pulled out a few strands of hair from the front of my head, then I heard them walk away. So, still in my dream, thinking I’m awake now, I immediately thought there was some witchcraft goin on, so I touched my hair to feel if there were any knots. I found some of my hair tied in a knot on the back side of my head, on the left side. I untied the knot and looked around to see if I could find who had done it. Still dreaming, I talk to my mom, who was laying near me. I asked her if she saw anyone come near me while I was sleeping and she acted really weird. She responded, “Well, what about your wife?” I was like, “What?? What about my wife?!?!” and I got really, really pissed, and she backed off.

I woke up freaked out, not knowing how real it was. In my dream, I started reciting Ayatul Kursi and Surah Al-Falaq for protection, Alhamdulillah. Once awake, I started looking around, scouring the area around me for anything suspicious. When I went to sleep, I was completely surrounded by only my group members. When I woke up, there were two complete strangers lying right next to me, to my left. I eyed them suspiciously for a while, looking for any unusual activity. Never really found anything wrong. I tried to figure out if anyone had been messing with me, so I asked my mom if everyone had slept at the same time. I was trying to see if anyone would have been awake to see if anything happened to me. Seemed like there were a few people awake the whole night, with nothing to report.

I think, if it was real, there was a jinn that tried messing with me, maybe trying to put a spell on me involving a spouse. I think my untying the knot and resisting when they talked to me as my mom to find out about a wife, in addition to reciting the verses, may have helped to ward off any danger. With Allah’s Help, I think I’ve been protected. That’s what I’m telling myself to keep the paranoia away.

We’ll go to do Rami’ soon, where we’ll be stoning the Jamarat, the structures representing Satan. We got on a bus, which we waited an hour for. It took us another hour to get to Mina on the bus, due to all of the traffic. Some of our group, including my mom, chose not to wait for the bus and just walk, and their trip took them an hour. My dad and I were like nah, we’ll wait. Took us 2 hours to get back to our tent.

I feel grimy. My ihram is dirty, I need a shower, my hair needs shaving, and I got a vicious Arafah tan. Soon, habibi, soon, we’ll be done. Sabr, Hajji, sabr.

By the way, the bus was packedd! Fights almost broke out amongst all of us trying to get on. I had to force my way through to get on with my dad, I barely made it. We definitely couldn’t get seats, so we stood the whole way back. I had some dudes armpit in my face the whole time. Nice. Felt like catchin a ride in Pakistan. The bus ride was long, hot, sweaty, sticky. Yum…

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Day 13 – Tests in Question

“The ultimate goal is not to “pass” the test – often there is no real way to pass or fail – the goal is simply to return to Allah. 

11/3/11

I was taking a shower, at around 1:30pm, and in the middle of it, all the water in the bathroom runs out. I’m standing there, covered in soap, well I rinsed off some of the left half of my body when it ran out. These little tests crack me up sometimes, cuz they always catch you off-guard, but they’re real and you actually have to deal with them.

So, I stood there like, wth??And I hand-squeegee’d as much soap off my curves as I could…please, ladies, this is a Hajj journal. SMH. Then, I was like ok…maybe I’ll just use the water from the bidet or the hand shower, or the sink, shoot I’ll use whatever, short of toilet water of course. All water sources had run dry – no water in the entire bathroom. Totally forgot I was in a 3rd world country. The water reservoir had probably run out, especially from people doing their laundry across the hall. So, I just kinda stood around…hung out for about 10 minutes, laughed at myself in the mirror. Suddenly, some water came back & I rushed to clean off. Got through it, Alhamdulillah.

That still raises the question: how am I best meant to interact with these tests? Just show patience and wait for them to blow over? Show diligence in the future to plan more efficiently and prevent falling into the same situations? Take advantage of the opportunity and work to fix the situation? Maybe a combination or selection of the options, based on the situation? That’s probably what it is. I have realized though, it becomes much, much easier to deal with the tests once you recognize you’re being tested. It sort of allows you to step outside of the situation and regain your personal identity. You are not your test. The test merely helps you to know better who you really are. All tests are from Allah. Stepping away from the situation, mentally, allows you to connect better with Him as well. He gives you the test, and will give you the answers if you ask Him. I always loved teachers like that :)

Why would He just help you if you ask? Because the ultimate goal is not to “pass” the test – often there is no real way to pass or fail – the goal is simply to return to Allah. To recognize & assert His role in your life. Communicating with Him in the midst of a test or hardship is the way to succeed. With that step, you more forward & prepare yourself for His Divine Support.

When I ran out of water in the shower, I go, “Yo, God – you testin me again, right? That’s funny LOL.” I don’t say, “Oh no! This always happens to me. FML. I have the worst luck, maybe God just hates me.” Tests are not necessarily earned, though they are tailored to you specifically, according to what you’re capable of handling. You don’t necessarily get a particular test because you deserve if, so it’s not personal in that sense. However, The Educator knows His Creation & what pushes your buttons, so tests are handed out accordingly. Similarly, He knows how far He can push you, and stays within the limits when He tests you. This is something that should provide relief. If you face some challenging situation, know that your Creator believes in you, and He has equipped you with the capacity to overcome your difficulties.

Also, if you see others in the midst of a test, be gentle with them. They are facing their own tests, which are according to their own capacities. Plato said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” So much wisdom in those words. Others can not face what you are tested with, nor can you face what they are tested with, subhanAllah.

The Prophets faced the most severe tests, but also turned to Allah & He supported them through their hardships. These tests made them the closest to Allah. So, our tests, though they are smaller and less intense, have the same aim – to garner the support of our Educator & to draw us closer to Him. The constant remembrance of this situation relates to our level of faith. Perhaps, that is the greatest remembrance, to remember our constant connection to Him, to see it in every step. Not just repeating chanted incantations, but seeing their applicability within our own hearts, in the lives we live. May Allah guide my heart & make me of those that remember Him, receive His support and “pass” His tests. Same for you :)

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Day 1 – Preparations

I’ve found that this preparation for going to Hajj is really a preparation for death.”

10/22/11

I’ve found that this preparation for going to Hajj is really a preparation for death. You settle all of your affairs, you seek forgiveness from everyone, prepare a will, say goodbye – don your funeral shroud, & head to the source of your origin.

I know Hajj is meant to be a metaphor for life – the life cycle, specifically. We re-focus ourselves around the most important thing – our connection to Allah. We leave behind everything to answer His Call. We assemble at the place we’ll all be resurrected. We try to grasp the magnitude & horror of that day & we beg for forgiveness. If Hajj is crazy, the Day of Judgment is yonkers. I pray that Allah, the Most Merciful, will see me enduring the Hajj & will forgive me & purify me & will make the DoJ easy for me as a result. Maybe I won’t have to face this twice, iA. May this Hajj, be that it is a lesser trial, suffice in testing me, so that on the DoJ, I will only be receiving the Good News. Ameen.

I also just haven’t been out of the country in 10 years (Canada doesn’t count). So I am a bit nervous about that. I’m not worried though, really, I think it will all be just fine, iA.

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Notes from HajjCoach.com:

“Sabr circle” – when feeling tried, know that it is a test & look at bigger picture, resolve issues w/thankfulness & mercy. Imagine a circle, inside of which are all things you are able to remain patient with. Anything outside of this circle is what will really test you – identify when situations are beyond your Sabr circle when they arise and deal apprehensively. Remember the spirit of Hajj.

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